A Formal Declaration in the War on Christmas

My friend Matt Chapman (@Wadatahmydamie) does a lot of nice things for me that I don't often enough repay. He frequently offers helpful critiques and promotes my work on Twitter far more actively than I do, because he is actually active on twitter and I'm not. He and I are currently working on a particular conspiracy, the machinations of which I will not mention, or else it will not be much of a conspiracy.

Months ago he mentioned that he'd like to start working on writing projects larger than 140 characters, and I offered that if he came up with something good, I would post it on my website. Well, he did come up with something good, and I sat on it for months and months because I do that sometimes.

So here it is: A formal declaration in the war on Christmas. I don't personally have many feelings at all about Christmas, as to me it hasn't ever been more than an excuse to celebrate, in the coldest, darkest parts of the year, a highly repeated misconception. But it as an excuse that brings families together and puts more alcohol in veins than usual, so I can't feel that resentful about it.

I do hate Christmas music though. I'm waiting for the day that I can walk into a grocery store or some other public place during the holiday season and hear them playing death metal instead. I don't particularly like death metal; I'd just like to hear it during Christmastime, if only just once.

But to each their own. There is eggnogg during the holidays, and eggnog is delicious. There can't be much wrong in a scenrario that involves eggnogg, can there be?

Apparently, yes.


Ah, Christmastime. The songs, the endless aisles of red and green merchandise, the going into debt in order to purchase objects for loved ones. It's almost enough to make you forget you're hearing this shit two weeks from the end of motherfucking October.

America, it's time we had a talk about the elephant in the room. Christmas is getting much too big. We tolerated it back when it stayed within its borders: The day after Thanksgiving until December 25th. Sure, it'd be nice to pretend that it's about family and togetherness, and savior birthdays, but we're a capitalist society. Predatorially so, but let's not discuss that right now. The point is, to ask Americans to not spend money they don't have is tantamount to heresy.

What I propose then, is something that Fox News has been braying about for a decade or more: We should declare war on Christmas. This is not, however, a call to eradicate Christmas itself. I LIKE Christmas. I just feel that like a shrub that needs pruning, or a country that decides it REALLY wants that goat pasture over there, it needs to be confined to firm and defined borders. I have a number of modest suggestions that I think will accomplish this:

1 - Burn a Wal Mart executive in effigy. Not an actual executive, for legal reasons. This doesn't really have anything to do with my column, but I still think it's a good idea nontheless.

2 - Penalize any store that plays Christmas music, sets up a Christmas display, or allows a Salvation Army bell-ringer by forcing the store to shut down for one week straight (while paying the workers, of course, can't harm the ones who have no say in the process and actually produce something with their labor).

3 - Liberals: demand that any and all nativity scenes be taken down. So basically what you've been doing. Conservatives: Lament about how liberals are ruining Christmas by making everything about money, just before you try to plug your new line of cash for gold endorsements.

4 - ANY retailer who schedules a Black Friday store opening prior to 5AM ON FRIDAY will result in each and every one of that company's executives being forced to man the doors and the checkstands for the first wave of shoppers.

5 - Any elves that appear on or before Thanksgiving get shot in the head. Shot right in the fucking head. Fuck your sugar cookies, bitch.

And there you have it. If you can fight Christmas in your town, please do. Thanksgiving is almost overrun entirely, and even Halloween is starting to feel the sting.

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